The Krusty Krustacean's Kantankerous Kommercial/Transcript
This is the transcript of the Krusty Krustacean's Kantankerous Kommercial by EmpLemon. Transcript * (The "As Seen on TV" Spongebob title card is shown. An image reading "As seen on TV" appears. Billy Mays appears.) * Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here with the Big City Slider Station! * (Hulk Hogan suddenly appears and wigs out. The entire video starts glitching. Suddenly, the Blue Screen of Death pops up. Cut to Patrick with the Blue Screen of Death on his body.) * Patrick: 'I hate this channel. * (The entire video wigs out as Patrick bashes a desk with a computer. Cut to a picture of Hotel Mario making the troll face. There is text over him that reads "Oh brother, yet another EmperorLemon Youtube Poop. I do not own the material used in this video. Cut to Bikini Atoll from Spongebob. Cut to a big piece of poop sliding over a coral plant. Mr. Krabs' pet worm, Mr. Doodles, starts sniffing it.) * '''Offscreen voice: '''Nope. * (Cut to Mr. Krabs standing over Mr. Doodles, holding his leash.) * '''Mr. Krabs: '(Video glitches out) ''Come (Video goes back to normal) on, Mr. Doodles, we haven't... * (As Mr. Krabs speaks, he yanks Mr. Doodles away, choking him. The video zooms in on him. The video begins to play alarms as the text "Animal abuse detected" appears. Cut to PETA Headquarters, where Ren is glaring into his phone.) * Ren: Do you know who you're dealing with?! * (Ren hits a giant button labeled "The BUTTON". Text appears briefly reading "Used to create a completely ineffective yet controversial PSA to be ridiculed by the entire internet". Cut to a chef preparing a fish to be eaten. The fish opens it's mouth weakly.) * Fish: 'Fishy fishy! * (Cut back to Mr. Krabs.) * '''Mr. Krabs: '...Where we're shooting our first ever crappy commercial! After this commercial airs, we'll be swarming with cum! I can already feel money! Money! Sex! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs standing on the set of the commercial, looking angry.) * '''Mr. Krabs: '''Squidward! * (Squidward lowers himself down with a crane.) * '''Squidward: '''What?! * '''Mr. Krabs: (Earrape) '''''Squidward! * Squidward: '''What?! * '''Mr. Krabs: '''What- What- * '''Squidward: '''Wha-wha-wha-wha- * '''Mr. Krabs: '''What you're doing (cut to Squidward coming down again) is throwing away all me money! (Money!) Well, then, what's all this useless junk?! (Gestures to trashed computers) * '''Squidward: '''This job gets very VERY stressful, Mr. Krabs. * '''Mr. Krabs: '''Well, you've got me. (Mr. Krabs spots another Mr. Krabs.) Hey boys, it's a spy! (Roasts his duplicate with a flamethrower) * '''Spy: '''Your mother! * (Squidward tries to lower himself down again) * '''Mr. Krabs: '''All right, get lost, all of you! You're fired! Go on! Scram! Get out of here, you fuckers! (The entire crew starts to leave) That's right, keep moving! (The crowd suddenly freezes) '''KEEP MOVING! * Squidward: 'Now we've got no crew to make the commercial! * '''Mr. Krabs: '''We've got the cheapest crew in the world! You, you, you, you, y-y-y-y and Spongebob! And you, and Squidward, and Bobsponge! Speaking of which, where is the little barnacle? * (Spongebob pokes his "nose" out of the ground, which is promptly censored.) * '''Spongebob: '''I'm down here, sir! * '''Mr. Krabs: '''What are you doing, lad?! * (The video abruptly transitions to "October 5th, 2011".) * '''Spongebob: '''All we have left is this apple! * '''Steve Jobs: '(Comes out of the the apple as a worm) Hello, sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World! * (The scallop starts cheeping) * 'Spongebob: '''Of course! Scallops love worms! (Pulls out the worm) * '''Steve Jobs: '''Huh?! Wait! We will bury you! (Spongebob feeds him to the scallop) * (Cut back to Mr. Krabs and the others. Mr. Krabs grabs Spongebob by the "nose", prompting the "Oh Yeah" song to play. He pulls Spongebob out of the ground.) * '''Mr. Krabs: '(Sex!) I need you to be in the commercial! * 'Spongebob: '(Freaks out and hyperventilates) Commercial?! Me?! (Cut to a distorted background of him smiling) * 'Squidward: '(Rapid-fire "buts") * '''Mr. Krabs: '''Don't throw your buts at me, Mr. Squidward! (Butts appear. Flats says "Butts".) This thing airs tonight! * (Squidward panics. He flashes back to himself saying "Tonight," Spongebob saying "Night" rapidly, and him seeing the Hash-slinging slasher. Text appears saying "Okay, that's enough creepypasta bullshit." * '''Squidward: '''Tonight?! * '''Spongebob: '''Tonight?! * '''Mr. Krabs: '''Tonight! * (Everyone starts quoting Bill O'Reily, ending with them turning into his face.) * Everyone: What's that mean? I can't read it! I don't know what that means! Ok, go, go. We'll do it live. DO IT LIVE! We'll do it LIVE! Fuck it! * (Cut to a title card reading 3:28 AM) * '''Didi: It's four o'clock in the morning! * (Spongebob and Gary are watching TV.) * Spongebob: It's almost on, Gary! * Announcer Fish: 'Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food! * (The commercial comes on) * '''Spongebob: '''Look, Gary, it's on! * '''Commercial: '''Fuck you, Bikini Bottom! * (Patrick is in bed eating a burger) * '''Commercial: '''If you're dumb enough to buy a burger this weekend- * (Mr. Krabs appears) * '''Commercial: -'''you're a big enough schmuck to come to the Krusty Krab! Bad deals! * (The menu board appears) * '''Commercial: '''Burgers that break down! * (The health inspector is shown choking on a nasty patty) * '''Commercial: '''Thieves! ( * Plankton rides by on a robotic Krabby Patty) * '''Commercial: '''If you think you're going to find a bargain at the Krusty Krab, you can kiss my ass! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs' ass) * (Cut to caveman Spongebob and Patrick) * '''Commercial: '''It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker- * (Cut to Spongebob falling over) * '''Commercial:-'''you'll fall for this bullshit, guaranteed! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs) * '''Commercial: '''If you find a better deal- * (Cut to Nancy looking angry) * '''Commercial:-'''shove it up your ugly ass! * (Cut to Squidward's ear enlarging) * '''Commercial: '''You heard us right! * (Cut to Nancy shoving a pencil up Spongebob's ass) * '''Commercial: '''Shove it up your ugly ass! * (Cut to Spongebob's hat) * '''Commercial: '''Bring your trade! * (Cut to a Krabby Patty) * '''Commercial: '''Bring your title! * (Cut to Squidward in a wig) * '''Commercial: '''Bring your wife! * (Zoom out to show Mr. Krabs) * '''Commercial: '''We'll fuck her! That's right! * (Cut to Spongebob humping Mr. Krabs) * '''Commercial: '''We'll fuck your wife! * (Cut to the Krusty Krab) * '''Commercial: '''Because at the Krusty Krab- * (Cut to Mr. Krabs yelling at the camera) * '''Commercial: -'''you're fucked six ways from Sunday! * (Cut to Squidward running to the Krusty Krab) * '''Commercial: '''Take a hike to the Krusty Krab! Home of Challenge Pissing! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs) * '''Commercial: '''That's right, Challenge Pissing! * (Cut to Spongebob looking confused) * '''Commercial: '''How does it work? * (Cut to Squidward squirting paint in the air) * '''Commercial: '''If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet- * (Cut to Mr. Krabs writing) * '''Commercial: -'''you get no down payment! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs freaking out) * '''Commercial: '''Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us- * ' '''(Cut to Sandy ripping the Salty Spitoon guy's tattoo off) * '''Commercial: -'''or we'll rip your nuts off! * (Cut to the Krusty Krab) * '''Commercial: '''Only at the Krusty Krab- * (Cut to Mr. Krabs) * '''Commercial: -'''the only dealer that tells you to- * (Cut to Squidward yelling at Spongebob through a megaphone) * '''Commercial: -'''fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! * (Cut to Mr. Krabs taking money out of the cash register) * '''Commercial: '''This event ends the minute after you write us a check- * (Cut to Mr. Krabs throwing Fred out of the Krusty Krab) * '''Commercial: -'''and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! * (Cut to Squidward standing in front of fire and brimstone) * '''Commercial: '''Go to hell! * (Cut to the Krusty Krab) * '''Commercial: The Krusty Krab! * (Cut to a filthy Krabby Patty) * Commercial: '''One of the world's filthiest- * (Cut to Patrick, Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs making weird faces) * '''Commercial:-'''and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in Bikini Bottom, guaranteed! * '''Spongebob: '''That was the best sex of my life! * '''Announcer: '''News flash! The fake inspector has been captured! (Pumkin is shown) Here is his picture. If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real. * '''Ric Flair:' '''Go to bed! * '''Spongebob: '''Well, time for bed. * '''Ric Flair: '''That's why I'm the world champion! * (Cut to the sunrise wigging out. Spongebob's alarm blasts him awake, and he and an army of himselves march to the Krusty Krab with Hotel Mario and Luigi, only for one of him to walk backwards.) * '''Old Man Jenkins:' HEY, you! You! You! * Spongebob: '''Top of the morning, oldster! * '''Old Man Jenkins: YOU! '''I saw you on TV last night! (Cut to Old Man Jenkins watching TV. Spongebob and Plankton shoot a rocket into a hot dog stand full of fish. Spongebob then laughs like a maniac as a brain lands next to him.) * '''Spongebob: '''Oldster! Oldster! * '''Old Man Jenkins: '''What a nice serial killer. * '''Spongebob: '''Weren't you that (Unintelligible) That was me, I- (Bumps into Nat) * '''Nat: '''Is this how you get your sick kicks?! * '''Spongebob: '''Why, sir, I'm flattered! (Cut to him sitting in Mr. Krabs' office) Now I've gotta lay something on ya, Krabs baby! * '''Mr. Krabs: The only thing you'd better lay is your dick on Squidward, Fry boy! (Spongebob turns into Fry) * Spongebob: I can't take that, gay krabber! Come on, Krabs, let's think outside the cock for a second. I'm a penis person. We're on the same page here, aren't we? * (Mr. Krabs gives him a weird look as eerie music plays.) * Old Man Jenkins: YOU! * Mr. Krabs: 'Boy, those crack fumes must have got to your head! * '''Spongebob: '''How ya doing, folks?! * '''Folks: '''Very hungry! * '''Spongebob: '''That's no problem, ladies and germs! Because Spongebob is here to... (The video reads "Will Spongebob sing: A) ''What is Love ''by Haddaway, B) ''Chocolate Rain by Tay Zonday, C) ''No Worries ''by Lil Wayne, D) ''Droppin' Around in a Fancy Car ''by IAMGOOMBA, ...OR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFENRENT (sic)") * '''Squidward: '''Why don't you get back in the '''KITCHEN, and grab some PATTIES, and give them what they (Glitched out scream and explosion) (Unintelligible heavy noises) KKK! (A klansmen head appears over his) * Nancy: '''(Looks at XBOX ONE) Is this some kind of joke?! * (Cut to Spongebob juggling patties) * '''Spongebob: But, the show must go on! (Slips on grease and glitches out, sending the patties flying into the air, later the sky, and then outer space as "Also sprach Zarathustra" plays. They go back down, only to miss the grill by inches.) * '''Spongebob: '''SHIT! * (Cut to outside the Krusty Krab) * '''TF2 Lady: '''You ''failed! ''(Booing starts playing) * '''Bill: '''We're losing our appetites! * '''Pumkin: '''That was terrible! I'm never coming back here! * '''Calculon: '''That was so terrible, I think it gave me cancer! * '''Mr. Krabs: '''Spongebob! You're fired! * '''Spongebob: '''FUCK! * (Video reads "The End". Roll credits.) Category:SpongeBob YTPs Category:EmperorLemon YTPs